I'm getting to an interesting place. A girlfriend of mine just emailed me about the crazy time she is having right now. She has a very intense job that is at its busiest right now, she is taking a college class, she is training to run a full marathon and she is raising a couple of kids, running a home, being a wife, etc. Needless to say, she's got some stress. It pained me a bit to write back that I was also stressed...from boredom, lack of money, general anxiety and the fact that I have seen all of the "Hoarding" episodes on TLC On Demand.
However, this morning I have felt like I have been doing some "real" things. I signed Brad & Gus up for Daddy/ Son soccer, because (to quote myself to Brad) "we need to start getting out there and living a bit." I applied for a small business license, for my freelance marketing that has no clients. I called the unemployment office and was on-hold for 14 minutes and got way too into some Steely Dan hold music that I could barely remember why I was calling them. I checked Facebook about 42 times and browsed the job boards. I applied for one job that I'm way over-qualified for and one job that I have no business applying for since I don't even understand what some of the qualification requirements mean. I mean...yes, I love micro electronics and infectious disease control. I have started reaching out to some "work from home" companies just to get a little added income and to do something. Ding dong, Avon's calling! So all of this morning's activities made me feel, well...active. I like that.
Lately, I have found myself about two inches in front of a mirror looking, no, examining my gray hairs. I am well overdue for some color. A good inch and a half overdue. But there's something drawing me to the gray hair. In one instant I will be lamenting over being in my forties and the next moment I find some weird pride in the appearance of age. Like it's a badge of some sort of accomplishment. I made it! Just look at my scalp to see all that I have done! This all, of course, eventually morphs into wondering if I'm not getting hired anywhere because of my age. Could I really be in that curve that leads you from hip and desirable to out-of-touch and unmarketable? I absolutely know that stress over my age is pointless. But I have time right now to agonize over not using my twenties wisely.
Shortly, I will meander into the kitchen to make a second batch of chewy granola bars (I'm telling you, my family devoured these!) and attempt a "breakfast cookies" recipe that another friend sent my way. As I do this, I will think of all of the ways I could make a living by producing healthy foods. My latest endeavor (in my head) was making, freezing and packaging kale smoothies. They would just be put in a blender with some water and VOILA! I'm thinking of calling it "What the Kale is in This?" Smoothie Mix. And there's always my on-going cookbook on eating healthy for your family (also, just in my head) that I narrate as I'm blending up cranberries and dates. The working title is "How's Your Poop? - And Other Ways to Know You're Eating Healthy". Still in the development stage.
Someday, I know my brain will slow down and function in the real world again. I will have focus on tasks and routines, along with some sides of creativity and dreaming. It feels stressful to have my giant thought-hamster running so fast on his wheel with really nothing in sight. I think maybe I'm just not motivated enough to have this much downtime. Of course, follow me in 6 months when I have a full-time job, am raising a family and have, I'm sure, buckets of money we'll need to decide how to spend and I will feel stress over not having enough time to think or be creative or stand in my kitchen and daydream. Until that time, I have some granola bars to make and a box of L'Oreal's Dark Reddish Brown calling my name.