I haven't been able to write anything since I started this blog because I always want to be witty and clever and add in little cute tidbits about my life. But really...my life doesn't feel very witty, clever or cute at the present time. 2011 was arguably the worst year of my life. I had this plan to be "Fabulous at 40" last January and that could have been nothing but a giant FAIL. This time last year, my job was in peril, which turned me into Monster Wife and Demon Mother. I was finally let-go in April. Official reason was that my "position was being eliminated." As luck would have it, I was immediately snatched up by another company to do freelance work. I think I had a month of unemployment between the two gigs. I spent the bulk of this month licking my wounds, watching Nurse Jackie, and sulking. It was great jumping into the next job with gusto. I liked the people I was working with, believed in the project I was marketing, and was bringing home decent-enough pay. THIS was definitely working. Until it stopped working. The project crumbled unexpectedly in October and left me jobless once again. Back on unemployment. Pacing around in my kitchen all day again and talking too much to the dog.
The day after my final paycheck came in, my father died suddenly. I had spoken to him that morning. He answered the phone "Hi, Amy's cell phone!" and we chatted about the kids, how my parents' weekend had been (they'd celebrated my mother's birthday, attended a jazz festival, and seen many friends), and dad was excited to tell me about the rebate he was getting on the washer & dryer he'd bought a year ago (good stuff for him). About four hours later, my husband was standing in our front door telling me that my mother had called him and he was "so sorry, honey. your dad died." Rug pulled out, walls crashing in, world crumbling...all of the metaphors for an enormous blow came into play. (I think I will write a separate blog on the details of the few weeks that followed this news.)
Dad has been gone now for only three months. I miss him most when I want to share something stupid. Pictures of the kids playing in the snow. Something funny my 10 year old said. My shitty job situation. Which brings me back to the fact that one full year after the crappy year of 2011 started, I am without a "normal" job, about to turn 41, and wondering what the hell I want to do with my life.
The fact of the matter is...I don't want a normal job. I want two weird jobs that allow me to work from home. I want to make money doing what I know how to do. I want to sit at my computer and pound out the numerous stories I have in my head so that one day I can call myself a writer. I haven't really mentioned the want / need to write to anyone. It sounds so pompous or ridiculous or "artsy" to say you want to be a writer. Of course, I have felt this way about blogging too. Why would anyone want to sit and read anything someone else thinks up? BUT I have had these ideas swimming in my brain for years now. I need to get them out somehow. I think in some way my dad's death has added to my desire to write. It's the classic "life is short" thing, I think.
I also want to take part in the many volunteer opportunities at my kids' schools.
Is it too much to want to work from home, make a living, be creative AND be truly involved in my kids' lives? It might be.
Figuring this out is hard. Making this happen is harder.
So....I'll be interviewing as much as I can. Unless I write my magnum opus in the next few days.